How to Build a Strong Sense of Self and Live Authentically

How do some people move through life with a clear sense of what they want, while others second-guess their decisions, even on small things like what to eat? How can some remain steady in who they are, while others feel unsure or pressured, depending on the situation or the people around them?

This uncomfortable lack of clarity, it turns out, is a common experience for most people. Research by organizational psychologist Dr. Tasha Eurich reveals that while most people believe they know themselves well, only about 10-15% have actually developed strong self-awareness. According to Eurich, self-awareness means fully knowing who you are—your values, passions, goals, personality, strengths, and weaknesses—and understanding how others perceive you.

The good news? Dr. Eurich’s research also shows that people who develop self-awareness tend to be happier in their relationships, more respected at work, and better at making choices that align with their true selves.

Your sense of self—that internal compass that guides your choices, values, and boundaries—is your personal true north. It helps you recognize your authentic preferences, maintain healthy boundaries, and build a life that feels truly yours. And it is something you can strengthen at any point in your life.

A Moment of Appreciation for You

I understand these patterns profoundly and personally. Growing up in an unpredictable environment, I learned to be vigilantly attuned to others’ needs while disconnecting from my own preferences. Silence became my safest response. Keeping peace meant staying small, invisible, and adaptable.

Those survival skills served their purpose then. But as an adult, I discovered something transformative: we can learn to reconnect with ourselves, trust our preferences, take up space, and say what we’d like. That path from silence to saying what I’d like is one I’ve walked myself. Now, when asked where I’d like to eat, I pause, check in with myself, and actually share my preferences.

If you recognize yourself in these words, I invite you to thank your past self dearly. Being able to read a room instantly, keeping things peaceful, and jumping in to help before being asked weren’t random habits. They were clever adaptations that helped you navigate uncertainty and maintain connection. Now, you can use that same resourcefulness to build new patterns that better match your life today.

Signs of a Strong vs. Developing Sense of Self

Let’s explore what a developing versus a strong sense of self looks like in daily life. These patterns aren’t flaws to fix – they’re windows into understanding yourself better.

When Your Sense of Self Is Still Developing

These patterns are clever adaptations that once helped you navigate challenging situations. They served an essential purpose in your past, even if they may not serve you as well today. You might notice them showing up across different areas of your life:

In Relationships & Social Settings:

• You often doubt your place in relationships, questioning whether you truly belong
• Your personality shifts noticeably depending on who you’re with – like a social chameleon
• You find yourself saying, “I’m fine with whatever” when a group is making plans, even though you have clear preferences
• Strong emotions sometimes catch you off guard, with anxiety often being one of the most overwhelming (learn more about what anxiety actually is), possibly causing you to withdraw from connections just when you need them most

At Work:

• Before making decisions, you seek multiple opinions to feel confident in your choices
• You take on extra tasks automatically, without checking if you have the capacity
• Your ideas stay quiet in meetings until someone else validates them first
• Prioritizing tasks feels overwhelming because you’re unsure which choice is “right”

In Daily Life:

• Your life’s direction feels unclear, making it challenging to find people who share your interests
• You arrange your schedule around others, leaving little room for your own needs
• Making choices based on what you “should” do rather than what you want to do
• Difficulty identifying your preferences when asked what you like or enjoy

Signs Your Sense of Self Is Strengthening

As you develop a stronger connection with yourself, you’ll notice subtle but powerful shifts in how you navigate these same situations:

In Relationships & Social Life:

• You recognize and trust your emotions, helping you naturally gravitate toward authentic connections
• Expressing your thoughts feels more natural because you trust their inherent value
• Social setbacks affect you less because your sense of worth comes from within
• You can maintain genuine friendships while being true to yourself

At Work:

• You make choices aligned with your values, even when they differ from others’ expectations
• Setting boundaries around your time and energy feels more natural
• You can voice your ideas with confidence, knowing your worth isn’t determined by others’ responses
• Decision-making becomes more apparent as you trust your judgment

In Daily Life:

• Your core self remains steady across different situations while still being flexible where it matters
• You can identify and express your preferences more easily
• Taking care of your own needs feels as natural as helping others
• Your choices reflect your authentic desires rather than external “shoulds”

The journey from a developing to a strong isn’t a straight line, black-or-white – you might see pieces of yourself in both lists. That’s part of the process. What matters is gaining awareness and moving forward with kindness and conviction for yourself.

Building Your Sense of Self: Three Foundational Practices

Now that we understand how these patterns show up in our lives, let’s explore three practical exercises that can help you strengthen your sense of self. These practices are designed to work with your current lifestyle, starting exactly where you are.

Each practice builds upon the natural opportunities for self-discovery that already exist in your day. They don’t require extra time or special circumstances – just a willingness to pause and notice. Here’s where we’ll begin…

The “What Do I Like?” Check-in

Start by choosing one thing to notice about yourself each day. It could be as simple as paying attention to whether you prefer your morning coffee hot or iced, which chair you naturally gravitate toward, or what time of day you feel most energetic. There’s no right or wrong here – you’re simply gathering information about yourself.

Pay attention to what background sounds feel most comforting – complete silence, a gentle fan, or soft music playing. When walking barefoot at home, do you prefer the coolness of tiles or the softness of carpet? Notice which scents make you feel good – freshly brewed coffee, citrusy soaps, or earthy scents fresh cut grass.

Colors can be an excellent starting point because they’re all around us. You might notice you’re drawn to wear specific colors when you want to feel confident, or that you always choose the blue mug from the cabinet, or that the walls you painted sage green bring you a sense of peace. These small observations aren’t about changing anything – they’re just about getting to know yourself better.

“What Do I Like” Goal: Discover your preferences by noticing the small things that bring you joy or comfort, laying the foundation for greater self-awareness and authentic choices.

Integration Success: When your likes and dislikes emerge clearly and naturally, without second-guessing or doubt. With practice, identifying what you like becomes less stressful and more joyful and fun.

The “Check In First” Practice

This practice is about creating a tiny pause before your automatic responses. When someone suggests a restaurant or invites you to an activity, try taking one breath and check in with yourself first: How does this actually feel? Did your energy lift at the suggestion, or did something in you quietly withdraw? If you’re feeling stressed or unfocused, a moment to center yourself will make all the difference as part of your pause.

Notice your first internal reactions. Is it your default to say no to things (which can sometimes leave you with too little)? Or is it to say yes (which can sometimes leave you with too much)? Remember, this isn’t about saying no more often or yes more often. It’s about becoming curious about and aware of your ingrained auto-responses. This practice develops the opportunity to make conscious choices from your increasingly strong sense of self.

“Check In First” Goal: Create a pause to tune into your true feelings before responding or deciding, helping you set healthy boundaries, process emotions, and respond with clarity.

Integration Success: When checking in with yourself becomes your new auto-response to decisions. With practice over time, you’ll notice that you don’t have to concentrate so hard or look so deep within for an answer. It may become so fast you hardly notice it, but you will see that your answers are a result of checking in with you.

The “My Choice” Moment

Here’s where we play with making small, independent choices – emphasis on small. Which sock to put on first. Whether to part your hair on the left or right. Which route to take on your daily walk. These might seem almost too simple, but that’s precisely why they work. When the stakes are low, we can practice choice without the weight of consequences.

The goal isn’t to make the “right” choice; it’s to practice making any choice at all without seeking input or subconsciously fearing consequences. Some days, you might flip a coin to decide – and that’s perfectly fine. You’re still building the muscle of making decisions that recognize, respect, and honor your authentic self.

Success in these practices isn’t about making different or “better” choices. Success is simply in the noticing, in creating that brief pause, in making any choice at all. Every time you engage in even the smallest of these practices, you’re strengthening your sense of self, one tiny moment at a time. Now, let’s look at opportunities throughout your day to practice these exercises.

“My Choice” Goal: Build confidence by practicing small, independent decisions without pressure, helping you align your choices with your values and live with integrity.

Integration Success: When the process of pausing and choosing from within flows more smoothly. When your emotions and body are relaxed for easy decisions, and increasingly so for more difficult decisions.

Simple Daily Moments to Practice

Your day naturally offers countless quiet opportunities to strengthen your sense of self. Instead of adding new tasks to your schedule, let’s look at how to weave these practices into moments you’re already experiencing.

Starting in Private Spaces

Exploring your preferences in private spaces, free from external influence or pressure, is an ideal way to start developing your sense of self. Start by noticing where you naturally prefer to sit in a room—do you gravitate toward a sunny window, a cozy corner, or a spot where you can see everything around you? (What Do I Like?). Before turning on music in the car out of habit, pause to ask yourself: Are you craving sound or silence? If it’s sound, what type feels right in that moment? (Check In First). Finally, when choosing your outfit, try selecting based on how you want to feel that day instead of defaulting to what you always wear (My Choice).

Moving into Daily Life

As these practices become more familiar, you’ll start noticing opportunities in your daily routines. Pay attention to what time of day your mind feels clearest (What Do I Like?). When you’re about to tackle your to-do list, pause to check if you’re ready for challenging tasks or need to ease in gently (Check In First). Then, try arranging your tasks based on your energy levels rather than just working down the list (My Choice). Notice when your natural energy peaks and dips throughout the day – this awareness will serve you well as you move into more social settings.

Expanding to Social Settings

You might start noticing opportunities to practice even in social moments. Pay attention to which types of social activities energize you versus drain you (What Do I Like?). When a friend shares a problem, pause to check if you have the emotional capacity to fully engage in that conversation (Check In First). Then try expressing a simple preference when making plans – maybe suggesting a time that works best for you or a place you’d genuinely enjoy (My Choice).

Navigating the Workplace

This practice naturally extends into your workday, where maintaining your sense of self is especially valuable. Notice which work environment helps you focus best – maybe it’s a quiet corner, a busy collaborative space, or working from home when possible (What Do I Like?). When someone asks for your help with a project, pause to assess your current workload and energy before responding (Check In First). Then try setting one small boundary around your time or energy – maybe blocking off focus time in your calendar or communicating your actual capacity for new tasks (My Choice).

When strengthening your sense of self, success isn’t about making different or “better” choices. It’s about those small moments of pausing to notice what feels true for you. Even realizing you’re unsure or feel blocked in an area of preference is valuable insight. It’s all part of getting to know yourself better. Every tiny moment of awareness strengthens your connection with yourself.

Next Steps

Building a stronger sense of self is a process that unfolds through growing awareness. Each time you notice your preferences, take a moment to pause, or make an independent choice, you’re honoring yourself and laying the foundation for deeper self-trust. These moments might feel small, but they accumulate into profound transformation over time.

Strengthening your sense of self is not about becoming someone new; it’s about uncovering, embracing, and honoring the person you’ve always been. (If there are changes you would like to make in your life, you can get traction on those efforts with goal setting and productivity.) A sense of self is about getting to know and actively honor your authentic self.

Growth and self-care can feel really difficult, but that’s normal, expected, and (best of all) temporary. So keep going and you will prevail. Learning these new skills doesn’t require perfection. It just takes the courage to keep showing up again and again. Each step you take strengthens your connection with yourself, sharpens your inner compass, and creates space for your true self to shine.

Trust the process. With time and practice, you’ll look back and marvel at how far you’ve come. Every moment of self-awareness, every small choice, brings you closer to the vibrant, authentic life you’re meant to live.